The Gross Stuff

Pregnancy is gross, a miracle, but, gross. I mean, you do know where babies come from right?! That alone is enough gross for a whole year. But then comes the after birth, the actual baby. Gross. Did I already say gross? I’m not talking about in the hospital after birth gross, I mean the actual baby. Pooping and peeing everywhere. Spitting up all over you (if you’re lucky, in your mouth too) and you either wiping it off or seeing it as a positive and using it as lotion and counting that as getting ready for the day. You really learn what is important and what isn’t, when you have a baby. Your bed sheets? Don’t even worry about them. You sleep in any spit up that happens on that bed or you don’t sleep. You change your cute, sweet baby and she decides to poop while you’re putting on the new diaper and it get all over the bed at 3 a.m? You go back to sleep after putting a towel over it. Then you wake up wrapped up in that towel and wonder how much baby poo is on you.  If you’re one who gets up and changes those sheets at that hour, you’re either lying, or we most likely aren’t friends. That’s too much work. Just sleep in the poop. But let’s talk about the grossest part of it all, us. We all know we can let baby cry for a good 5 minutes while we take a quick shower. Do we do that though? No way. We skip that shower that is already a day over due and you wait until your husband is there to watch the baby while you take an obnoxiously long shower, and by “long shower” I mean, like, 20 minutes max. Don’t take showering for granted. March in that bathroom right now and you hug that shower head. You’ll miss it soon enough. I think my standing record for not showering right now is three days. I know, that doesn’t seem too bad, but when you’re sleeping with a baby who sweats a freakish amount, spits up EVERYWHERE and almost makes it a goal of hers to poop on you, three days can seem like a week of not showering. Probably send prayers to the poor man who has to sleep next to me every night, even though his side of the bed is nice and clean with no spit up stains, and he gets to shower whenever he wants, pray for the man. Another thing, the laundry. The mountains of laundry that are so time consuming. Baby clothes that have even small amounts of spit up, smell like throw up. It’s great. Baby poop? Smells like rotten eggs. All those blow outs on my clothes and on the onesies, again, it’s great. Not to mention almost every time my husband holds our daughter she decides it’s a good time to make her biggest spit up of the day, he probably goes through about 3 shirts a day. So that laundry you won’t do right now because it’s too much work? Do it. Enjoy it. Be happy it doesn’t smell like rotten eggs and throw up for now. I won’t even get started on breast milk. I’m lying. I’m definitely getting started on breast milk. GROSS. I hate it. I haven’t tried it because I think that’s so weird drinking my own bodily fluids, but just pumping it out of myself grosses me out. I know this is what boobs are for, but I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I walk around with these giant milk jugs that leak milk every few hours, then I’m walking around with my nipple pads full of milk until I can change them. That’s right, I said it, nipple pads. Those are a real thing that get really weird smelling too. It’s all a swirl of weird smells and weird fluids coming from both mom and baby, and one sweet husband still acting attracted to you and not commenting on the spit up covered pajamas you’ve been wearing for the past 3 days. Motherhood is exciting. I mean, in high school I didn’t have an excuse to wear the same pajamas for 3 days straight all while skipping a shower. Have a baby and you’re allowed to do anything. My girl turns 5 months old today and I think at about 6 months is when I’m supposed to have this mom thing figured out and stop skipping showers. Who knows if that will happen, I know for sure, I will never have this mom thing figured out. Hopefully by the time she turns one I’ll have figured out how to shower daily like I was able to pre-baby. Either way, showers aside, the whole process is a gross one. But a really fun, weird, gross process that I strangely LOVE being a part of.  I hope this encourages someone to have a baby. If you hate taking showers you’ll be on top of the world as a new mom!

1 Comment

  1. Hilarious!! As always. I still to this day have to shower quickly unless mine are asleep and they’re 7 and 8 years old. Or I’ll distract them while they sit on the toilet patiently waiting for me to get out while i rush still. LOL! Parenting is so hard but so funny at the same time. Your stories crack me up. It’s all spoo true, Everything!!

    Liked by 1 person

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